This is me now. I hope you can recognize me. Sometimes I get so scared that you won't remember my face, that time will erase the memory that you may have of me .

Happy birthday, my love, my sweet heart !

Three hundred and sixty five more days have passed without you.
Today, you are 13 and I want to tell you how much I am with you
on that very special occasion!

There has not been one single day since your last birthday
I have not born you in my heart.
I have not carried you everywhere I went.

You will always be a huge part of me,
I have been imposed to live without you
but I will never get used to it and I will never resign myself to it.

My goal is to find you and to be reunited with you, my child, my first one!

As time goes by, I am more and more confident
that you will become a free person.
Free to act, free to think, free to find the truth, free to let lies die,
free to search for your mother if she can't find you.

There have been times of despair, of total loss,
of indescribable pain and sorrow. These times are behind me.
I have grown to be a very strong and very clear-sighted mother.
Of course, I have guilt in my heart and I will always experience it
since I have not protected you enough, since I have trusted the people
who have hurt us both and separated us.

Yes, I am guilty of that, Marc, but of nothing else.
The immense regret I have is to have been gullible, stupidly naïve, not protective enough against those who wanted to take you away from me.

Now, I am very hopeful and optimistic for the future.
I know our time will come. There is a part of me in you, Marc,
even if you don't know it yet.
What I gave you during the four first years of  your life is inscribed
in your heart and soul forever.

I am so proud to be your mother. I am so thankful to have been the one
who gave you life, who have cherished you, bathed you, fed you,
played with you, held you tight in my arms at night until you were 4 ^1/2.

Today, you are a teenager almost and I know the time of small childhood is gone forever.
We have been deprived of so many important moments
between a little child and his mom.
It's so sad that there is nothing we can do to change it
but it's so good to think you are slowly but surely growing
into an independent person.

Each day that goes by is a day closer to you
and I have learnt to be patient, but never forgetful or resigned.

My sweat Marc, I'm wishing you a wonderful birthday,
full of joy and laughter.

Be happy, my love, that's what would definitely comfort me the most!

Whenever you want, whenever it's time , I will be there and that will be for the rest of our lives.

Je t'aime de tout mon coeur,

Maman.

I love you.

You have just turned 11, my love. You are no longer the little boy
I last saw 5 years ago.
I try to imagine what you look like now.

Sometimes, I look at children your age in supermarkets, at schools
and I think to myself "Marc must be this tall now" or "Marc must be interested in this type of music now or in these types games".

Even though I have not seen you or heard from you in 5 years,
I could recognize you in between millions of children your age and
I will recognize you whenever, wherever it happens because
you are my child, my first one, my dear sweetheart
and time makes no damage on a mum's memory or heart
when it comes to finding her own flesh.

Marc, the day you disappeared, I was so sure I would recover you
within a few days, a few weeks at the most.
I could have never imagined this nightmare lasting for years!

My little Marc, I want to say I'm so dreadfully sorry
to have failed in that attempt. I have tried so hard every day to find you
but you are still missing, after all my efforts and my friends and family's support
in this difficult trial.

Yes, it is true I have failed to bring you quickly home
but I will keep looking for you, with the same determination and energy
than 5 years ago and I will find you. 
I don't know when but I will see you again.

There is no way you will keep growing up thinking your mum
has abandoned and does not love you.

THERE IS NO WAY.

You won't know how much I have cried and suffered
because you had been snatched away from me.

One day will come and you will see my face, my eyes, my smile and you will know lies and meanness are absolutely nothing compared to my love for you.

I may have lost a great part of your childhood and this is so painful to me
but you have not lost the tiniest part of your mum's heart.
You are there, inside her soul, every minute of each day.

My love, every day, I am a little closer to you.

When, eventually, you become a grown-up man; I want you to look at me and think : "my mother and I have suffered a great deal,
we have missed each other beyond human limits,
we have been desperate and deceived
but nobody now can harm us.
Let's get the most of our lives together,
let's be as close as we can be,
let's enjoy each minute together at the fullest,
as if it were the last one".

And I'm certain we will, because we both know what it's like to be
deprived of the person you love the most on earth.

Happy birthday, my love.